she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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