ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
