Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
