im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
