ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
