just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The best revenge is premature balding
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
