mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
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He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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