so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
