I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
