Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
