I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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