what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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