Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
