so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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