halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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