At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
