can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
