hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Too much gin, very little bucket
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
