you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
birth control should be required to get into college
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
