Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
