Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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