I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
