I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
