I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
