isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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