That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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