Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
