How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
