I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
