If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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