Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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