the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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