well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
