there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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