And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
