this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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