why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize