I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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