I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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