I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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