I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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