she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
