yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
