i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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