Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
