i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
