Moan for me like Helen Keller
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
