My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
