I've blown a few things in my day
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
