chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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