Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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