I can text with my tongue
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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