I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
