I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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