exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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