it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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