Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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