i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
