Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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