Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
