you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
