he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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