apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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