I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
