She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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