they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
